The air is beginning to smell the ominous, heavy way it before the rain comes. The sun is starting to hid it’s face behind the clouds and suddenly the birds seem to rush for cover.
The dawn of change.
I feel as if I am stuck in this verge of an inception. An event that I have feel like I have longed for my entire life, that is so close that I can smell it’s commencement. The wait has been so long, and soon I will be able to grasp the future that I am desiring.
But why do I want to hide? Why do I want the clouds to cover me or to rush for cover?
It’s like a table has been set for me. The fork and knife are before me, and a napkin is resting on my lap. The server is now walking toward me with the dish that I have been wanting to try. But I have an urge to flee the restaurant before I can get a taste.
If this were some small, menial adjustment I would not have this feeling. Perhaps if this were a simple thing, I could feel more brave. I wish this were something I could feel sure of, then I’d feel more ready.
No, this is anything but. This is standing on the edge of this cliff and deciding whether to jump. This is taking a flight to a destination I have never been, and not knowing anyone there. Quite literally.
I have to keep reminding yourself why I must be courageous. Continue to tell myself of what I’d gain if I risk it all, and ignore the little voice in my head that is telling me to be afraid. For while that fear is entirely justifiable, deciding to have faith in this is even more so. I know that the effort I have spent on the hope of gaining this must not be wasted. All of that work I did to make this eminent and crucial event possible was done in the belief that it’s worth building all the strength to face it.
Perhaps it would benefitable to recall girl I was during the hard moments. The moments where she wasn’t sure this would ever be possible. When unknowns didn’t even compare to the magnitudes that she hoped she could receive… if she could even get a chance. The times she would cry or lie awake for hours praying that she would be able to do this one and only thing at least once.
For that girl, I will be brave in the midst of this new beginning.
Although many people start to bring changes in their lives beginning in January, I think that this season has naturally became that for me. Last year in November, my family and I made a decision that drastically changed our lives. We lost much of our social construct and our belief system. Everything changed faster than we could wrap our heads around, and the effects of our decision had a more shocking affect than we had be prepared ourselves for. This has definitely been the hardest year of my life. However, sometimes you have to fall to be reborn anew. I have realized at times to create a better life for yourself and fulfill your goals in life, you have to “turn a new leaf.” Maybe you may be a bit fragile for a while, because change doesn’t come easy. You may lose somethings, but you will gain much more precious things. In the end, your choice won’t be something you will regret. This may have been my hardest year, but I hindsight I wouldn’t have held on for a second more.
Does anyone else have this problem or feel in a similar way at times? If not, do you have any advice? I know that this something that I have found I seriously struggle with, and there are many factors involved with it. Let me know what you think in the comments, and thank you so much for reading!